The Bottom of the Bucket

A friend sent me the attached poem he wrote in response to a tragedy. If you need assistance, talk to friend and/or call for help. One of these may help:

• Black Dog Institute – https://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/

• LIFELINE. – – 24 hours counselling phone 13 11 14

• MENS LINE AUSTRALIA.. – Call 1300 78 99 78

Grief is what we feel and experience when we suffer a loss.

It can be completely overwhelming and even painful in so many ways, but it can also be delayed, occurring sometime well after the loss.

We commonly of course associate grief with the loss of a loved one which of course can be extraordinarily traumatic however the same or similar symptoms can arise at any traumatic loss or series of losses, and can be compounded by each repeated trauma.

The loss of a partner through death can be compounded by the loss of self-confidence in continuing to manage life alone, the sudden loneliness,  the fear of the future and the realisation of each occurrence itself can be a further trauma.

Upon the death of a patriarch, matriarch or child, there may the trauma of the loss of family unity that was maintained only by the common thread of the parent/parenting.

Other common events that may have similar symptoms of varying degree, are:

• The loss of a partner, children and/or home through divorce or separation,
  • the loss of one’s own confidence after an accident, injury or assault.
  • Loss of a job or career
  • Loss of mobility and/or independence

The trauma of the each and every loss may manifest in both physical and emotional symptoms, including this alphabetical list:

• ANGER:         Anger is one of the stages of grief associated with the denial of the trauma (a self-preservation). The anger may be commonly be directed at:
  • Your lost loved one for leaving you
  • The ambulance or medical staff for not saving your loved one
  • God, for allowing the death to occur
  • Anyone and everyone who fails to listen to you or understand your needs/requirements
  • Yourself, for a variety of reasons some of which may be completely irrational

• CONFUSION:      the shock of the trauma of an event can result in confusion and an inability to properly function. This can be temporary and may improve after the initial shock, but as additional trauma’s arise, each can step of the process can be an additional trauma that reignites the confusion
• DEHYDRATION: drinking plenty of water can help as anxiety can lead to excessive perspiration and this can lead to dehydration that may be compounded by crying. Be aware that the consumption of alcohol can increase dehydration.
• DIGESTIVE UPSET:            nausea, a loss of appetite, indigestion, diarrhea, can all be a part of the bodies reaction to trauma and can also add to the inability to cope. a lack of exercise and an increased consumption can lead to excessive weight gain while a disinterest in eating can result in rapid weight loss.
• DIMINISHED ABILITY:     the range of emotions and shock can result in an inability to concentrate or even to process thought. This can also manifest as forgetfulness, confusion, and an inability to make decisions.
• DRAMATIC MOOD SWINGS:       grief can manifest in sudden and dramatic mood swings that may seem irrational and unexpected e.g. crying because the you spilled your tea on the carpet, suddenly getting very angry with a passer-by because they accidentally bumped into you, getting angry with the Funeral Director or Celebrant because a flower is out of place
• HEAD ACHES:              The stress and anxiety can result in headaches as a result of fatigue, sleep loss, dehydration or another number of a combination of factors.
• FEAR & ANXIETY:             a sense of helplessness and a lack of control of circumstances and surroundings is common and can manifest as anxiety, worry and a fear of the future or even a sense of hopelessness
• INSOMNIA:  sleep is a great healer but disturbed sleep, broken sleep, restlessness, chemical/alcohol induced sleep, and disturbing dreams all add to fatigue and stress and diminish the ability to cope with stress and trauma. Without sufficient sleep we our bodies and well-being, begin to break down.
• LOSS OF ENERGY/ILLNESS:           constant or recurrent fatigue and/or lethargy including physical aches and pains can occur. The effects of an existent illness may be exasperated because of a variety of influences leading to a reduction of immunity.
• NUMBNESS: this commonly occurs in the initial period of ‘shock’, immediately following the discovery of the loss has even occurred.
• SADNESS & MELANCHOLIA :             an overwhelming sadness is common but be aware that the ‘numbness’ and ‘denial’ (temporary lack of acceptance) can manifest as confusion and guilt i.e. why aren’t I crying/why can’t I stop crying; I don’t have enough money to pay for the funeral etc.
• SELF BLAME & GUILT:    You may experience irrational guilt such as “what could I have done/not done to prevent this” , when in fact you may have had no control whatsoever.

  NB. For more information on this subject, go to my webpage and find Grief & Loss

I have always found that each and every person is unique.

Some may look alike, sound alike, or even be from the same gene pool;

But we are fashioned by our experiences; our loves and likes, successes and failures; our dreams and plans; actions and inactions. Every sunrise and sunset is a thing of beauty, just as each and every person shines each and every day.

Believe in yourself. Have confidence in yourself. Take care of self.

No one can achieve what you achieve in the way you achieve.

Lou Szymkow, 2019

www.alifecelebrant.com.au

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There is a common fear of death and death words.

There is a common fear of death and death words.

Any of us who regularly perform funerals or are of a certain age, have been to many funerals and as Celebrants we may consciously or even unconsciously, privately critique the Celebrant & Ceremony; and whatever is perceived, is likely influence our own performance. It is simply a part of personal development and personally I watch videos of all my own Ceremonies and have to admit that I am my own worst critic, always seeking to improve.

The thought in watching a ceremony may be complimentary such as “I liked how that was said/done” and when next writing a Ceremony, you might possibly be influenced in a positive way to ‘tweak’ your ceremony.

It may be derogatory: “That was appalling, I never/will never do that (again) in My Ceremonies”.

Or it may be a simple “oh, that was interesting/boring/uneventful/very routine” etc. and whatever it was, may be quickly forgotten.

There is one part that usually catches my eye and that is how the Ceremony is ended. In a Church service there is always a ‘recessional’ and people know when to leave but in a Civil Service, there is a ‘Committal’ and then……well that varies. I saw one recently where the Celebrant closed the curtains in a crem chapel, said a few words, and then began to pack up. I looked at the gathered and saw they were confused, and some were whispering to others who were shrugging shoulders completely bewildered as to whether the ceremony had concluded or not. Since then, I make certain that I give clear instructions “this concludes this ceremony, please follow the family as they leave the chapel and then….”. It is simple, polite and direct.

The other area of confusion is the fear of words such as coffin and death.

A Coffin is simply a box or chest for burying remains and so is a generic term for any funerary box. A Casket is more or less a four-sided coffin but perhaps because the word ‘coffin is associated only with death; many prefer to use the word ‘Casket’  just to avoid the use of the word ‘coffin’.

The greater avoidance though by many in the emergency services, medical profession, welfare industry and of course the funeral industry, is any finite words such as dead, or died. Few will ever say in a funeral service or eulogy that “Mr Jones died at/by …..”. This may be because there is no point to stating the obvious and referring to the cause, manner or time of death as it may not be purposeful but when there is a need to mention such, few use the direct words and instead resort to euphemisms.

It comes down to confidence. A confident Celebrant will use words with certainty and in so doing will generate confidence in those gathered and in so doing will assist in the grief process.

 I have listed a few euphemisms for death but what others do you use or have heard?:

• I am not certain where to marry and so what are the differences between a Marriage Celebrant, Registry Wedding and getting married in a Church?

There are many differences, and some similarities (as may be required by law) and so I have made a list of around 70 direct comparisons to simplify distinction.

It is a personal decision dependant on what your dream wedding consists of.

Choose a Civil Marriage Celebrant you want a unique personalised Ceremony with guidance through lots of easy choices.

If you are content to stand in a queue for an hour for a 10-minute service using a set script with essentially no choice of location other than a small room, than a Registry ceremony might be acceptable.

If you are devoutly religious, then a religious ceremony might suit you.

Here is my ‘generalised’ ready reckoner listing my interpretation of differences but if you have any questions, disagree with me on any point, or find an error, just let me know and I will explain the basis of my reasoning and/or make any corrections.

The choices from left to right are Celebrant, Registry, Church.

It is a candle that is lit from other candles and so unifying the flame, and in so doing, symbolises the unification of two families, two hearts, and/or two loves or lives i.e. making two into one.

The first candles may be lit by mothers or family members and handed to the couple who bring them together.

Another option is where all guests are also given a candle each, and after the first guest’s candle is lit, the flame is passed along until all are alight, and then the bride and groom together light their unity candle. This is to symbolise that it is the unity of not just family, but of friends who are supporting the couple in their marriage.

Once the Unity Candle is lit, the others may be extinguished because the flame of the Unity Candle is of course, the joining of all others.

The Unity Candle just needs to be prominent and so can be framed in a cage, on a pedestal, be the larger of other candles, or can be the higher, central candle on a candelabra.

If you have a candle from earlier in life such as from your Baptism or Naming Ceremony, you may wish to use that for the occasion or you may wish to have a new ornamental candle personalised with your names and the date, as a keepsake from your wedding.

CHURCH WEDDING: What is the difference between a Church/Religious Wedding Ceremony & Civil Wedding Ceremony?

The main difference is that a Church wedding is a religious service conducted by a member of the Clergy within a state, and at which a marriage takes place, as a Sacrament; while a civil ceremony is conducted by a nationally registered Marriage Celebrant so can take place anywhere in Australia, anytime, anyway, and with almost any content, religious or not, provided there is a compliance with the Marriage Act; and whilst the Minister may ask the couple questions in place of their Vows, in a Civil Ceremony, the couple say their vows to each other.

Church wedding

In a Church wedding, the couple face the altar and clergy member as it is about your  joining in Sacrament and so engage in prayer in a Church community to receive a holy blessing upon your union in the presence of the congregation you are joining as a couple/family and so the ceremony follows church doctrine, often limiting what can be done & said so as not to contradict or impinge upon religious belief or context and of course the congregation should be present in addition to your guests who may not be members of that congregation. If you are devoutly religious, attend a particular church together, want to take part Sacrament, wish to raise your children in that religion/church, want your children to attend the associated religious school and you will regularly attend Church services a family, then maybe consider a church wedding however if you are not intending to attend that church apart from your wedding, you should consider a Civil Ceremony.

Some Clergy will insist that your ceremony can only take place inside their Church building and may require you to attend Marriage Preparation courses.

If you are of different religions, some churches may also require a ‘conversion, i.e.. joining of that faith which may also include religious classes rituals over a period of time.

Civil Ceremony

A Civil Ceremony has almost no restriction.

It is entirely about your marriage and your choices.

A Civil Ceremony can be written especially for you and almost anything goes as long as the Monitum and vows are said and the Marriage celebrant is authorised. As with any marriage ceremony the vows and marriage law cannot be contradicted.

The couple usually by choice, face each other or the guests that they have invited.

You are required to have 2 witness for the signing of your Certificates but can have as many or as few guests as you like. If you want more signed witness a separate non-legal Certificate can be created.

No classes are required of any kind but as with as planned marriage, you will still be given a pamphlet to inform/remind you of what it means to be married.

A Civil Ceremony can have no religious content whatsoever or can include religious context and content. It is entirely your choice.

Here is my ‘generalised’ ready reckoner listing my interpretation of differences but if you have any questions or disagree with me on any point, let me know.

Quite apart from the obvious proclamation of love, that will strengthen your relationship, unlike defacto rights (or possible lack thereof), a marriage offers protections under the law.

Rights for a couple in a couple in a de-facto marriage are not the same as for a legally married couple as a defacto partner may not be recognised as the next-of-kin .

With a marriage, you are immediately the next-of-kin, and so, given protection under the law with regards to property, assets, inheritance, insurances, medical care and so much more.

If for instance there is a medical emergency and you are required to make decisions for your partner but another relative arrives, that relative may be identified as the next of kin instead of you and so is able override your decisions; or if your partner had been married before but not divorced, the ex-partner remains the legal next of kin and so in those same circumstances could be in charge of life & death decisions.

Then of course, what if someone dies? The next of kin has rights in regard to property, assets, inheritance, insurances, that may override that of a partner and a legal battle might result between partner and legal next-of-kin.

There was the horrible incident of a man in Adelaide whose parents did not approve of his relationship and had not spoken to him or his partner for 17 years. The man took seriously ill and the partner of some 18 years, phoned the estranged parents out of respect and concern. The parents soon after arrived at the hospital and as next of kin, enforced their authority, excluding the partner from medical decisions or even visiting the patient and upon the poor man’s subsequent death, also excluded the partner from the funeral and made no mention of the relationship at all in the eulogy. The couple had a home together but no Will and so the next of kin became the beneficiaries of the estate and subsequently attempted to evict the grieving partner from the jointly owned home and/or force a sale of the home even though it remained the grieving partner’s home.

Flowers are a product of nature, and so are subject to variation that might be influenced by seasons, the element when growing and condition after being cut. Many are now grown in greenhouses on the South American continent and have no scent, and are flown overnight to all parts of the world. Your florist will try but cannot guarantee. Discuss it with them or go to the flowers markets in your city.

For more answers, go to : 300 Wedding Questions Answered

Who can donate a body to medical science or research?

Under the Anatomy Act 1977, a person who wishes to donate their body must provide consent for the donation in writing before their death. Alternatively, the senior available next of kin is able to provide consent in writing after death, provided that they are not aware that the person would have objected. The executor of a will cannot give consent unless they are also the senior available next of kin.

If the body is at a hospital or forensic institution, a designated officer at that facility must authorise use of the body for anatomical examination.

The Coroner’s consent is needed where the death has been reported to the Coroner.

It is important that you discuss your wishes regarding body donation with your family.

Ref: https://www.health.nsw.gov.au/humantissue/Pages/anatomy-public.aspx

You will find this and many other detailed questions answer on my web page but be warned that reader discretion is advised so stick to your specific question and only look at more sensitivity subject matters if you are of ready. My Web page link is Funeral Questions

Historically in Australia, where a marriage was between a man and a woman, it was common for the woman to assume the man’s last name upon marriage.

That dates back even further to a time when women were regarded as the ‘property’ of their father and then upon marriage, of their spouse, hence the ‘giving away’ the Bride, by the father and anything they owned became the property of their husband.

Mistress  or Miss Jones marrying Mister or Mr Brown, became the ‘Mistress of Mr Brown’. The title ‘mistress of’. …  was abbreviated to ‘Mrs’ and so upon marriage, she became Mrs Brown.

Though women are no longer ‘property’ the tradition of the Bride taking on the Grooms name remains common.

Jumping to current and more enlightened times, if married in Australia a formal Change of Name is not required if you wish to take your spouse’s name and so Miss Jones and Mr Brown, can be Mrs & Mr Brown or Mrs & Mr Jones, but you will need to update the name change anywhere your original name is registered.

Usually this would include personal documentation, such as your driver’s license and passport, which can be changed to your married surname when you provide a Standard Marriage Certificate (i.e. Registration of Marriage Certificate) to the relevant authority.

for more information and more questions answered go to
200 Wedding Questions Answered

Diamonds are graded by the 4 Cs which are:

1. Carat:    or weight, determines the size of the diamond.
2. Clarity: The fewer flaws, the greater the value. If you cannot see flaws with the naked eye, it’s called an eye-clean diamond.
3. Colour: A clear diamond is the rarest and has the highest grade of D. A yellow diamond will have the lowest grade of Z.
4. Cut:        The cut creates the sparkle and so impacts on the beauty of the diamond.

Another consideration is Shape: Not to be confused with ‘cut’ the shape identifies the overall appearance of the diamond, e.g. round, oval, teardrop etc. Round stones are the most common.

The three major considerations should be:

1. Your partner’s expectations
2. Your Budget or ability to meet those expectations
3. Your partners taste in style and jewellery

The goal is to find a balance between the three.

An interesting side consideration is that statistically, those who pay $thousands or even $millions have shorter marriages, so the higher the ring price, the shorter the marriage whereas marriages where under $5000 was spent on the ring, tend to be long lasting.

According to Credit Donkey, there are 10 steps to buying the perfect engagement ring:

1. Set a Budget
2. Create a Savings Plan
3. Avoid Common Mistakes
4. Select a Diamond
5. Select a Setting
6. Select a Jeweller
7. Research Online
8. Determine the Ring Size
9. Determine the Style
10. Buy the Ring

Stop All The Clocks (cut off the telephone)/Funeral Blues

By Wystan Hugh Auden

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come. 

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves. 

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good. 

(See it recited beautifully in the scene from  Four Wedding & A Funeral)

Why isn’t my laminated birth certificate accepted as an original ID?

The Guidelines on the Marriage Act 1961 for Marriage Celebrants are very specific that the authorised celebrant must see all the original documents prior to the marriage ceremony.

Many authorities now use imbedded heat sensitive security in documents (e.g. NSW Birth certificates) A laminated copy renders the security in effective and so invalidates the document and there is often now a warning in fine print on the document, to that effect.

A laminated copy therefor may not be accepted as an original and it may be necessary to obtain a new original.

A Love Poem

(Lou Szymkow 14/2/2000)

Though the years have gone by, it must seem but a second
since you had that first kiss and your love began to beckon,
His smile attracted you,
Her beauty inspired you,

Just a glance warmed your heart,
and the mere thought of each other
kept you swooning even when apart,

You still yearn for a sweet caress,
a gentle kiss of finesse
those tender lips to thine,
your souls forever entwined
heart and soul and mind,

and when the world is full of plight
there is still a gentle kiss goodnight,
and all those worries turn to solutions
and you know,
all will be all right.

I am happy to provide a letter for your Immigration Agent or a local or international Department of Immigration after I have received the NOIM and payment.

My immigration letter is on my own letterhead showing that I am an Authorised Marriage Celebrant , includes the following:

the date NOIM lodged,

full names

date and place of planned marriage

confirmation of payment

I do not however issue a letter until payment is made as this offers a small guarantee that the matter is genuine and reassures the departments of same.

A copy of the NOIM is not required for the Australian immigration but if one is issued,, it is stamped as a copy and certain parts may be redacted for privacy and security.

BESPOKE: What does Bespoke mean?

Bespoke is an English word used in the clothing industry when referring to tailored clothing; e.g. a bespoke suit made especially for one person, and is an adjective.

It is a word that was adopted by shoe makers and exclusive furniture manufactures, and more recently has been adopted by Celebrants who are trying to say that tailor Ceremonies to the individual.

BESPOKE: What a bespoke ceremony?

Bespoke is an English word used in the clothing industry when referring to tailoring especially for one person.

So a Bespoke ceremony is one that is tailored or written/designed uniquely for a couple.

BESPOKE CEREMONIES: Do you perform bespoke ceremonies?

All my Ceremonies are unique and tailored to the couple.

There may be some similarities between Ceremonies as legal aspects must be addressed, and there are some things that I do differently to other Celebrants which couples like to include but I meet with you to design your dream Ceremony and to make certain it is one that you will enjoy and want to be a part of (so not boring but definitely fun).

There are lots of Ideas and Suggestions on my webpage but don’t let that limit your imagination. It is your Ceremony, and so let’s design it together.

Handfasting & Tying the Knot? What is it and how is it used in a marriage Ceremony?

Before rings, in many cultures, the hands of the bride and groom were tied together, to celebrate the marriage.The Celtic ritual also involves a blessing of hands and the  binding of the couple with a secure knot, hence the term ‘tying of the knot’.

Similar rituals are also found in other cultures including Chinese (see Red String), American Indian,  and some Islander cultures but significantly in Hinduism where it is part of an ancient prayerful ritual and so  should only be performed by a Prasad, hence for Civil Ceremonies, we follow a form of the Celtic tradition.

The couples’ hands are joined together, usually holding hands so the wrists and pulses are touching, with a ribbon or symbolic material looped over the couples wrists and tied by the celebrant or a friend.

The couple express their love and commitment for one another and like the cord or ribbon, which has two individual ends, they are two individuals, and so they become one by the tying.

A handfasting ritual performed during a wedding ceremony, can take place instead of a ring exchange or following it.

For more information and samples, go to Tie the Knot on my Wedding Ideas & Ceremonies tab.

See also The Red String Of Fate & Red Goblet Ceremony.